Ramblings About My Demise & Future Children

So last Friday I received a rather disturbing voicemail from “such and such burial” stating that the quote for my casket was in. Which is odd for several reasons; one being that I didn’t know there was such a thing as haggling in the tomb business, but none the less an important fact to note for future reference {remember the hubby loves a good bargain}, and two, I’m not in the business of shopping for caskets right now…or am I? As soon as I listened to the message I began to wonder is there something I should know about?  Is some one planning my demise? I quickly ran through my head all the people I may have ticked off last week. I promised the secretary at work that I would refill her candy stash so that pretty much ruled her out. The hubby and I were on good terms.  Plus, we already had the whole “hit man misunderstanding” incident years ago {that’s a story for another day folks!} So that ruled him out as well. I couldn’t fathom that I would have made any one else mad but then again I’m only awake for about five percent of the time on a daily basis. I contemplated calling the casket company back to inform them that they had the wrong number. I mean after all some poor soul could be out there right now totally overpaying for their coffin. I quickly overthrew my plan to return the call when a cold, dark image ran through my mind of the Grim Reaper picking the phone up on the other line. Something tells me Mr. Reaper doesn’t take, “Sorry, wrong number” very well.

Image: FFFFOUND
{Who knew? Apparently, the Grim Reaper is a man of many talents}

So I did what any rational human being would do I locked myself up for the weekend in our bomb shelter. Kidding. We don’t really own a bomb shelter although if you ever seen the looks of my house you would definitely think a bomb or two may have landed here. I eventually convinced myself to meander out of the house on Sunday. I needed to pick up some spray paint from our local Lowe's but upon arriving I immediately began to wonder if Lowe’s had something to do with my creepy coffin phone call. First, there was the incident in the rug aisle where I saw a middle aged woman get clunked in the head by a large rolled up rug that had fallen from the above shelf. I was genuinely concerned about her as she laid in the middle of the aisle waiting for the EMTS to arrive but I couldn’t help looking at the rug laid sprawled next her and thinking to myself “that’s a darn good looking rug.” So rug lady pretty much saved my life because had it been one minute later I would have been the one knocked out by falling carpet. 


Then as I was leaving Lowe’s I was nearly run down by “Mr. Macho” man who was treating the pedestrian crosswalk as his own version of the finish line at some Nascar race. I mean what if my future disobedient child had run out of the store that very minute right into his line of fire? Tragic. That’s why these num-nuts are #1 on my pet peeve list. What’s that you say? How do I know my child of the future will be disobedient?  In which I respond, “have you met my dogs?”  If my children are any reflection of my dog’s personalities then boy do I have a long, and intoxicated life ahead of me. My kids will be whiners. They’ll want to eat like every fifteen minutes. They’ll leave “gifts” for me in my closest. Then they’ll do this when I scold them.



{Are you ready to come out of time out?}

They’ll pout. They’ll turn their backs to me; refusing to look at me, to listen to anything I have to say.

{Does any one know a good dog therapist?}

They’ll want to get away from me so bad that they’ll go to great lengths to try to smash and suffocate themselves underneath the couch. This is what I have to look forward to people.


But back to my point about this creepy phone call.  I've learned two things; one never listen to voicemails from unknown numbers and two, always sleep with one eye open. 


And that my friends is my "delightful" ramblings for the day.


6 comments

www.StarHughes.com said...

Oh my gosh I laughed out loud reading this! Seriously so funny! Not about the casket thing - that would freak me out too!! I'd wrap myself in bubble wrap and not leave the house! But the part about your dog is hilarious. I'm in trouble too if my children turn out anything like my very high-maintenance, whiny, barky dog (that I love to pieces regardless!).

Regina said...

Haha... oh that's great! I love the way your mind works. My mind works very similar and if I start taking my husband on the ride to explaining my train of thought, he usually wonders how much longer I'll be out of the nut house... :/

Great post. Loved it!

Regina of Live Delightfully.

Vasu said...

great post. the pictures are so cute


http://www.etsy.com/shop/Rosabellebyvasu

Crafty Scrappy Happy said...

Oh. MY. Gosh! I love every single little word of this! :o) And I too have very disobedient dogs...I never fully considered that if they are so poorly behaved my future children most likely will be also...SHOOT! Looks like I too am in BIG trouble!!!! p.s. I don't know how I have never seen your etsy store, but I am super excited because I LOVE everything! I will be keeping it in mind when I get to plan a party!!
Jaime from Crafty Scrappy Happy

Stephanie @ henry happened said...

That was hilarious - you must share the "hit man understanding" next! Thanks for the new info on coffin haggling! :) P.S. you might want to stay away from Lowes for a while!

Megan said...

I love this post! You literally had me laughing out loud. Your dog is absolutely gorgeous!! How cute that he goes and sulks. I recently got a puppy and she's just starting to enter her naughty phase now. Sometimes when she's being naughty though I find it hard to get mad at her because she's so cute! She makes me laugh.

Really love your blog!

Megan @ Storybook Love Affair

Talking to myself is no fun & borderline crazy, however, please note if your email isn't linked to your account, I have no way to reply back. Insert sad face. Feel free to leave your email in your comment so we can chat and I can answer your questions!

Back to Top