Five Things My Former Clueless & Childless Self Thought About Motherhood

I'm only about two and half weeks into this mama gig, so trust me, I don't consider myself a parenting expert by any means. Baby B can vouch for that. He still hasn't forgiven me for that time in the hospital when going to apply Vaseline to his...ahem....newly snipped nether regions, unbeknownst to me I some how instead managed to squeeze a whole mother load of petroleum jelly on top of  his head AND then proceeded to not notice it for like ten minutes. Gimme a break. I was going on like 6 seconds of sleep that night people. Daddy put his onesie on backwards today so now we're even.

With that being said, I have quickly learned in these few short weeks that when I think back to my former, childless self that I had a lot of preconceived ideas about motherhood AND they are quite laughable now. Because let's face it if I wasn't laughing, I'd be crying.

I'd share a picture of myself but then you'd see that I have toothpicks propping my eyes
 open right now.

Five Things My Former Clueless & Childless Self  Thought About Motherhood.

1. Rumor:You'll Never Shower Again

My former clueless hypothesis: Mothers who say that probably don't care about their looks to begin with...... or personal hygiene for that matter. Seriously, how hard is it to squeeze in a ten minute shower??

Fact: A ten minute shower? Hahahaha. What's that?
 I am currently choosing between showering, eating, and using the restroom.
I'm also trying to figure out if the mysterious, white, crusty stain going down the front of my old tee is thanks to spit-up, a milk leak, my oatmeal breakfast from three days ago, or perhaps D) all of the above.

2. Rumor: Breastfeeding is hard.

My former clueless hypothesisYeah, yeah, whatever, how hard can it be?
Fact: Breastfeeding is harder than climbing Mount Everest. For realz.
I thought the difficult part would be hmmmm.....I don't know getting the baby to latch, but NO it's the fact that day after day you feel like you're running a 24 hour dairy farm under the supervision of the world's most demanding boss ever { a cute boss, but still demanding}.
Add in the fact that at times your baby will stash a prison shank in his mouth and stab you in the chest with it. Sorry my friend, no amount of Lansinoh can help you with that.

3. Rumor: You will change a lot of diapers.

My former clueless hypothesis: A pack of 60 diapers should get you through a few weeks, right?

Fact: Your baby and the diaper industry are partners in crime.
Together, they are in on a conspiracy and that conspiracy is to suck you dry of your life savings on disposables in the first five days of your baby's life.
By the way, 60 diapers only gets you through like 1 day because babies insist on crapping as soon as you put a new one on. HAPPENS. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

4. Rumor: Newborn babies sleep a lot.

My former clueless hypothesis: Babies sleep 16 hours a day! Yahoo!
 I'm going to have the world's cleanest, most organized house ever and be crafting to my heart's content.

Fact: SUUURE....babies sleep 16 hours a day in increments of like 5 seconds spaced through out the day. You will get nothing, I mean nothing done.
Today I attempted, unsuccessfully, to pay a bill online four times.
Tomorrow....they shut off our electricity.
{I'm just kidding mom}.

5. Rumor: Kiss your social life good-bye.

My former clueless hypothesis: Yay! I'm having a summer baby! We're going to go on walks, and to the farmer's market, and shopping, and to that new restaurant.

Fact: I will never be able to leave the house again.
Yep, this is something they never tell you.
At least that's what it feels like.
The first week I had the hubby drive us down the street to a yogurt shop.
It felt like he took me to fricken Disney Land. Nuff said.

Soooo I've quickly learned that motherhood is one hell of a ride and I'm only just at the beginning of this journey! With that being said, I wouldn't change it for anything but I will be saving my drugs that the hospital gave me when I delivered Baby B. I have a feeling I'll need them for his teenage years.

What preconceived ideas did you or do you have about raising a human being?
Please share so we can all have a good, hearty laugh at with you.

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Nici @ Posed Perfection said...

So fun to read this post. One thing I heard over and over was,"They will be grown before you know it." I can attest to this one. Oh, sure... there are some seasons that seem like they last a loooong time, but then you blink and your baby is almost 10. Enjoy each precious moment and endure the rest(sleepless nights, unidentified stains, lack of social life) knowing that "this too shall pass." Your baby is adorable and you look beautiful. Keep up the good work!

Style Journey said...

Motherhood is a crazy ride. I would say go with your instincts and savor the little things. They grow up in the blink of an eye. And speaking for myself, I would take a baby over a teenager at this point, lol! You look great and baby is so cute!

Amy W said...

I hear ya, sister. Let me tell you though, it. does. get. easier. And then you have your second kid. =)

Unknown said...

All I can say is you & the baby look cute! Hang in there!!

always, koru kate

Meghan said...

He is adorable! Look at his cheeks. OMG! You look fabulous as well.

mari of {crab+fish} said...

I definitely underestimated the sleep thing. I can't even remember the first three months or so...I think the longest block of sleep I got was...maybe two hours?? more commonly one. sincey little guy liked to drink an ounce per hour instead of three ounces every three hours. argh!

I also way way way underestimated the LOVE I have for him. I loved him in my belly. of course. but when I saw him for the first time, I thought: I would DIE for this kid. The love is just completely overwhelming.

and as much as I loved him at first sight, I underestimated how much I would love him more and more every day. every age has been my favorite.

congratulations again, I'm so very happy for you and Dominic!!

mari of {crab+fish} said...

...and I forgot to say: you look beautiful!

Our Pinteresting Family said...

Two breastfeeding was so hard! I wish someone gave me an honest heads up on that one. You look amazing! You are doing are definitely going through what everyone out there experiences trust me!

Lindsay @ Delighted Momma said...

Oh my gosh I just love you! This is hilarious and pretty on the mark! It does get easier but those first few months are crazy hard! And uhhhh breastfeeding IS hard. I remember crying every time my babies latched on in the beginning bc it hurt so bad. No one every told me you end up with raw bleeding nipples...awesome ha! You are just beautiful and your little man is seriously PERFECT....for reals :)

sherri lynn said...

I love this post! I don't have kids but I love hearing from new moms because you are full of tips and all of these things I've thought before! Now I need to get prepared with the truth for when babies start coming our way :) your little man is precious and you are glowing!! Congrats!!

Val said...

This is all so so so true!!

Jennifer @ Delightfully Noted said...

Marriko, I couldn't agree more about loving them more than you can imagine. While coming down off my hormone high in the hospital I swear I would just look at him and start balling because I was overwhelmed with love. A few times we had visitors when it happened and I made up some crap about my contacts burning my eyes.LOL

Stephanie @ henry happened said...

You made it all sound hilarious! It's a good thing babies are so cute, otherwise we couldn't have handled them, haha!

Katie said...

this is so funny and so true. breastfeeding is SO hard! I did not expect that. I also didn't expect how many diapers we'd go through. or how hard it would be to put a sleeping baby to sleep on their own!

Amy @ Marvelous Mommy said...

Hahaha these are so funny! And true! Unless you have children of your own, you can't begin to comprehend it. Breastfeeding was A LOT harder (and painful) than I had expected!

Anonymous said...

Great list - I agree with ALL of them. I had a summer baby too and thought the same thing and my reality was just as you described! Target is a great first mama/baby solo outing when you're ready! :)

Erin said...

hahaha I haven't yet given birth to my own shank-wielding conspirator (10 more weeks!) but your commentary on these "rumors" are hilarious. :) That picture of you and baby is precious! Congratulations on finishing about 3 weeks of motherhood!

mari of {crab+fish} said...

so I know already commented but I feel the need to comment again as the mother of another newborn -- these are all so true and hilarious and I really needed this chuckle right now // thanks!! :D

I'd love to hear from you!